So, my first update mostly dealt with the good things about slow, moderate weight loss, and this post will deal with the more negative feelings I’ve had surrounding the whole thing.
It can be hard to talk about the annoying parts of weight loss, I think, because even to yourself, you feel like you should just be happy about the whole thing, but, as is with most parts of the human existence, it doesn’t happen that way. Here’s what I’ve been struggling with:
-Clothes. Most of my clothes look terrible on me right now. Big, gappy, just super sloppy. I’m not a fancy dresser by any means, but some of them are hardly office appropriate now. Sure, I fit into a few extra things now, but most of my clothes are just…blah. So, a few problems with that. First, it’s expensive to replace a whole wardrobe. I don’t have a few hundred sitting around waiting to be spent on office-appropriate trousers and new shirts. Secondly, besides living in somewhat constant fear that the weight will all come back and I’ll be stuck with a whole new set of clothes that don’t fit (as I was when I originally started gaining), I have this deep seated fear that I will go to a store, grab some size 14’s, and they’ll still be way too small. Like, all my progress will have been for nothing, and if even losing 30 lbs can’t move you down ONE clothing size, how fat were you to begin with? I keep thinking, “when I get to 185, I’ll definitely be comfortably back in size 14 across the board”….but then I get there and I think…”better wait until 180,” or 175 or whatever the next goal weight is. Because I own almost all 16s, and some are huge on me now, and some are still tight, and for some reason I don’t want to shop if I have to get a mixture of sizes, I want to be one or the other. It’s terrible reasoning, but there you go.
Secondly, as I started this process, my first goal was 185, a number I hadn’t seen in years. “I’ll be so happy”, I thought, “to have reached a great goal.” Well, now I’m there, and past it, and I made my next goal 175, which I THINK would put me roughly where I was in college? I almost never weighed myself in college, my best guess is that I bounced between 165 and 175, depending on whether it was a sports season or not. But I realized that I don’t have an end goal for all of this. If I reach 175, will my next goal be 165? That feels…borderline impossible. When 5 lbs took me almost 8 months (total), what will 15 take? I’m starting to remember that I’ve never been happy with my body, and I’ve never been a small person. But 165 is considered the highest number someone my height should be to be in the “healthy BMI” range. We can talk about how BMI is mostly BS, but to think that I’ve only reached that number in the middle of a competitive hockey season at age 22 feels like living at that weight in my 30’s might not ever be my reality. So what is the magic number where I say, “Ok, I’ve worked really hard, and now I feel ok with this”? In my fantasy world, I guess my goal weight is something like 150, something I likely weighed in middle school, although not something considered outlandish by the health professional world. So, I find myself in a project that I would love to have an end date…something I just work to maintain, maybe make some other physical goals like running another 10k, or trying strength training, whatever, but feeling like I’m just getting closer to a weight where I say, “F-this, I’m just a smaller fat person than I was before, my body still sucks but I’m tired of thinking about it”. But what weight will that be?
Finally, I feel like no one has noticed, besides the one friend. I don’t really talk about it openly, and actually I generally think it’s in super rude taste to mention someone’s weight, and of course, I’m not wearing terrible baggy clothes that do me no favors whatsoever. And then there’s the fact that if you lose weight for other people’s approval you have a terrible plan on your hands. But I can’t help but want someone to be like, “hey, you look great, and I can tell you’ve been working hard”. On one hand, the people who see me every day probably don’t notice because everything has gone so slowly, so fine, and on the other, I rarely see people who have NOT seen me all the time. So now it feels like I’m placing a lot of pressure on situations like my friends’ upcoming wedding this Summer, to be “Girl who lost all that weight she gained in Colorado”, or look good in a bathing suit this summer since I’ve 10 lbs smaller than the last time anyone saw me in a bathing suit (which is highly unlikely, as my bathing suit is board shorts and a rash guard; I’d have to gain a six-pack for people to notice a difference). Anyway, this need for social approval doesn’t look good on anyone, yet I feel like I can’t stop thinking that way. And then I feel bad for needing this random approval, and it’s so ugly.
ANYWAY, there you have it. The frustrating parts of a process that I have taken a lot of pride in, and also feel trapped in, and like I will never escape from. Life!
To leave on any note, I suppose I would leave this post on a note hoping to officially reach 180 soon, to get some new damn pants, and to hope the next 5 lbs takes less than 8 months. And to work on a balancing factor of the highs and lows. Blah.